Agape
Rachael Smith
“Who am I?” This is the question that all teenagers ask at some point in their lives. I haven’t found the answer. It takes a lot of soul searching and growing up. I am trying to find out why I am who I am. And as I sit here, I realize that the answer is right behind me, screaming at me. The answer is asking me about my weekly schedule and asking to borrow my pink strapless dress. The answer is now chasing the other answer around and calling him a baby and pinching his nose. Yes, the reason why I am the way I am today is because of my two “creative” parents and the six loud apples that haven’t fallen far from the tree.
I consider myself the green apple. The other eight are red. Around my friends, I am typically one of the loudest and most energetic of the group, but when I am crammed into a room with my entire family, I cannot hear my own voice. This would come as no surprise to Lawrie Pawlik-Keinlen, who has found that middle children are more likely to feel out of place in their families than oldest and youngest kids. She deems them the “mysterious” children: changing from the youngest child to the middle child makes it hard for them to discern where they belong. According to Pawlik, middle children are also the “peacemakers” of the family. My family is nearly impossible to pacify, but the word “diplomat” entered my vocabulary around age five.
Diplomat(n): a job that is assigned by mothers who are too busy cooking dinner to shut up little sisters.
My brother Jason, age eight at the time, already knew the real dictionary definition of that word, along with almost any word found on the SAT’s. He is the oldest. The smartest. First born children are typically like that, with higher IQ’s than their siblings (Pawlik). Unfortunately for Jason, Pawlik predicts his personality may be overshadowed by child number seven of our family, John. The youngest child, Pawlik says, is likely to be the most adventurous and the funniest. John’s daring and comical nature is already beginning to show. Last week, he asked me what a sleeping child was called. I assumed he was being a curious four-year-old, until he yelled, “A kidnapper!” and proceeded to leap off of the dining room table. It’s going to be hard for any of us to compete with that.
Not to say any of us are trying to compete with one another. An article from the Encyclopedia of Psychology states that “Children from large families tend to adopt specific roles in order to attain a measure of uniqueness and thus gain parental attention.” (“Family Size”) Jason is the smart one, Nate is creative, I never talk. Jess plays every sport known to mankind, Mary is the theater kid, Michael is the creepy one and John is the cutest. We have all assumed implicit nametags that will continue to develop throughout our lives. Mine is actually developing right now. I am the lucky recipient of Jason’s hourly lecture (he’s the smart one- this specific rant is about acquiring technology skills), so I am forced to be quiet and pretend to listen unless I want the lecture to get even louder. I am also exercising my cooperation skills, which Pawlik believes children from large families learn more quickly than others. She says that dealing with fights among siblings helps children become more emotionally stable, hence my ability to tune out the part of me that wants to break into tears every time Jason calls me an ignoramus.
Times like this make me wonder what my life would be like with four or five fewer siblings. Although large families dominate the reality TV world, small families dominate the nation. The average household size in 2000 was 2.03, which had decreased from 3.57 in 1950 (Schlumpf). Children from small families are typically less independent than kids from large families, and begin to feel comfortable around adults earlier (“Family Size”). This means the majority of children in the U.S. are dependent on adults. I was never a child to follow the crowd, and my independence certainly shone through- especially after I got hold of scissors at age four and had to deal with the haircut I had given myself for the next half a year.
After looking through my mother’s parenting books, I have discovered that my independence does not come only from my family size; it can be attributed to my personality type as well. I found a post-it marked “Rachael” on page 201 of Nurture by Nature by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger, and opened to a chapter describing the personality traits of an ISFJ, or “Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging” individual. The book observes that ISFJ adolescents have a close circle of friends, a desire to take on responsibility and earn money, and increasing confidence throughout adolescence. My mom must know me pretty well, because that description hit the nail on the head. My best friends since middle school would agree that I have busted out of my shell over the past few years. They also know how hard I work to earn money: I applied to over ten places last spring before I was hired to bus tables at a local restaurant. People who know me well would not agree completely with how this book qualifies me, however. ISFJ’s are described as being “conservative” in their choice of friends and having a tidy, organized personal space. My friends range from those who cry over 3.9 GPA’s to kids who have never completed a homework assignment in their lives, and walking into my room without tripping over something is almost as hard as it is to raise a family of seven.
Neither surviving a trip into my room nor raising a family of seven is impossible; my parents have accomplished both. My mom does not agree with Melissa Kite, who believes that “parenting involves only two things: persuading a child to eat, and persuading a child to put on a coat”. Although “Are you hungry?” registers in my mind as a greeting rather than a question, my mom puts a lot more than feeding into her parenting. When asked about her philosophy on raising children, she replied, “You can either have a nice coffee table with lots of pretty statues and tell your toddlers not to touch it, or you can choose not to have a coffee table and let the kids run around.” She believes that setting too many rules when young restricts creativity. She got what she bargained for: a house full of self taught musicians and walls full of doodles.
A key word in that sentence if full. My family is full in every way possible. Full of noise, full of insanity, and full of people. No matter how many times I have wished that I could pack my entire family into a box and ship them to Barbados, I cannot imagine my life without them. Every fight that we’ve had has taught me how to forgive. Every criticism I’ve received has taught me how to think for myself. Every Barbie doll my brothers have blown up has taught me to appreciate something more meaningful than plastic: agape, an unconditional, self sacrificing love. In a house where there are too many kids to go on vacation, one has to learn to live life to the fullest, and being raised in a house full of love has made me the creative outgoing, confident person I am today.
(Rachael wrote this essay as a junior in high school. At this time of publication, she is a junior at Dickinson College, exercising her diplomacy and cooperation skills as director of the Campus Mass Choir and member of the improvisational comedy troupe.)
“Family Size.” The Gale Encyclopedia of Psychology. Ed. Bonnie Strickland. 2nd Ed. Detroit: Gale 2001. Gale Virtual Reference Library, Web. 12 Nov. 2010.
Kite, Melissa. “Real Life.” Specatator 13 Nov . 2010: 78+. General OneFile. Web. 17 Nov. 2010.
Pawlik-Keinlen, Lawrie. “How Birth Order Changes Your Life: The Personality of First Born, Middle, and Youngest Children.” Suite101.com: Online Magazine and Writers’ Network. 1 Nov. 2007. Web. 18 Nov. 2010.
Schlumpf, Heidi. “Is a Fuller Quiver Really Better?” National Catholic Reporter 25 June 2010: 21+ General OneFile. Web. 17 Nov. 2010.
Paul D. and Barbara Barron-Tieger. Nurture by Nature: Understand Your Child’s Personality Type- and Become a Better Parent. Boston: Little, Brown, 1997. Print.
For additional writing from members and associates of the St. Gabriel Respect Life group, see below:
https://stgabrielcarlisle.squarespace.com/our-pro-life-views-1/