Attachment: Conduit of Parental Love

Angela Smith

Upon first glimpse of their babies, most parents are smitten. The immense eyes, the plump, smiling cheeks, and the tiny extended arms quickly captivate us. Their drive to attach to us is innate, and ours is activated by their endearing demeanor.

As children age, the magic wanes. The toddler who crayons the walls, the older child who ignores our instructions, and the adolescent who pulls us through a parental dark night of the soul challenge us. We must refuse to shrink from the noble vision of love with which we began. This is when our intellects must direct our wills to strengthen our children’s attachment to us, even if they view us as irrelevant or as obstacles to their happiness. For children are dependent creatures, and they will attach to someone else if not to us. We who love them without conditions and seek their best interest must claim our natural role as that someone.

In Hold on to Your Kids, psychologist Gordon Neufeld and physician Gabor Mate advocate six ways of promoting attachment . Most basic is attachment through the senses. Babies naturally cling to trusted adults: grasping a grown up finger, extending arms to be picked up, and embracing us when carried. We can keep older children physically connected to us by gently hugging even those adolescents who stiffen at our touch. We can make eye contact, smile, sit near them, cook their favorite foods, and make time for dialogue with them. Even if initially rebuffed, we must cheerfully and persistently continue our efforts at keeping the interpersonal bridge with our children in good repair.

A second method of attachment is through recognition of sameness. We need not dress like our adolescents or attend rap concerts with them to achieve this. Instead, we can empathize with their difficulties, since we, too, were once fledglings in the navigation of friendships, academics, and the quest for identity. Perhaps we like to draw, paint, or sing like they do. Perhaps we share blue eyes or a flair for the dramatic. We can create a common source of enjoyment through sharing a movie, a dessert, or a bike ride. By recognizing similarities while giving them freedom to express their differences, we help them remain linked to us as they discover themselves.

Building a sense of belonging and loyalty strengthens attachment. A spontaneous “I’m really glad you’re my son!” conveys a mother’s gratitude for a son simply because he is hers. Strictly keeping confidences teaches a daughter that her parents are loyal. Sympathizing with a child’s feelings even when believing he is on the wrong side of an argument indicates that we are on our child’s side regardless of his opinions or behavior.

A warm smile and an expression of delight in the presence of our children indicates their significance to us. Significance is crucial for attachment; we all want to align ourselves with people to whom we matter profoundly. It is essential that we revel in the mere existence of our children. They must never believe that their value in our eyes depends on achievements, or on traits such as beauty or intelligence.

Fostering emotional intimacy further strengthens attachment. Playing a game, reading a favorite book aloud, or going for a walk with our children just because we know it will make them happy shows them that we value their feelings. Listening uncritically when they share emotions, and eschewing sarcasm and harshness in favor of gentle, respectful speech offers them an emotional safety zone in our presence.

Finally, each of us wishes to be truly known by others. If our children feel treasured and emotionally safe in our presence, they will reveal themselves to us. They must be able to trust us not only with their good grades and athletic trophies, but also with their mistakes, their fears, and their sins. Our willingness to know the worst of them indicates the depth of our desire to know the full extent of who they are.

Our children’s attachment to us is what enables us to steer them through the Scylla and Charybdis of life until they are strong enough to take the helm. It is what inspires them to trust us as reliable mirrors. Most importantly, their attachment to us prefigures their relationship with God. Parents are icons of our heavenly Father. If our children can trust us to be Abba to them, we have good reason to hope they will transfer that trust to our Father in heaven.

For a link to Neufeld and Mate's book, as well as accessible articles and audio talks on family life, see our Family page:

https://stgabrielcarlisle.squarespace.com/respect-life-family-1/