Life With the Explosive Child
Angela Smith
Gazing into the eyes of her newborn, a mother sees perfection. She must be imbued with hope, for this hope is the fuel that enables her to sacrifice. Eventually, each mother finds that the perfect baby transforms into a child who does not always delight, and cannot always be pacified by the arms of his mother. This is when the love of a mother for her child really begins.
Accepting the gift of another involves working with the other’s innate temperament. An extroverted child can feel imprisoned by too much time alone, while an introverted child craves such time. A high energy child needs to climb trees; a pensive child needs to sit under the trees and read. One type of child whose needs are not always obvious is the type Dr. Ross Greene describes as the “explosive” child.
The explosive child is distinguished by highly inflexible thinking and an extremely low level of tolerance for frustration. Dr. Greene, Director of Cognitive-Behavioral Psychology at Massachusetts General Hospital, has spent decades compassionately counseling such children and their families. In The Explosive Child, he cites the example of Jennifer, a girl who had planned to save a few waffles for tomorrow’s breakfast; when her brother wanted some for today’s breakfast, she exploded in a fit of anger, grabbed her hot plate of waffles, along with the rest from the freezer, and, shouting at her mother and brother, stalked off to her room. Some explosive children scream obscenities and throw things, inspiring fear in their families. Explosives are responsible for the lovely fireworks we enjoy on Independence Day; yet they need careful management to produce beauty rather than wreak destruction. Likewise, the explosive child needs guidance to blossom into a person of beauty and integrity.
Punishment and threat of consequences do not quell anger in children because, as Dr. Greene explains, when the emotional part of the brain is heavily engaged, the rational part shuts down. Empathy, he notes, is “the access code to the brain”; acknowledging the child’s powerful negative feelings helps him feel understood and allows parents an opening for influence.
After sincerely empathizing with the child, parents must decide how to respond to the behavior. Dr. Greene recommends placing it into three “baskets”. Basket A contains safety issues where parents cannot afford to compromise (e.g., striking another person or throwing things). Basket B contains behavior parents have decided to try to change which does not endanger anyone’s safety (e.g., verbal personal attacks on family members, or refusing to share with siblings). Basket C contains offensive behavior which parents can safely ignore for now, knowing they decide the contents of the baskets and can rearrange later (e.g., curse words not directed at anyone in particular).
While Basket A behaviors require immediate suppression-- and prevention if possible-- Basket B behaviors can be addressed through compassionate but firm negotiation. Since the rational part of the brain stops functioning when the child is emotionally charged, Dr. Greene advises parents to act as a “surrogate frontal lobe” for the child, guiding him away from exploding and toward rational thinking.
How to be a Surrogate Frontal Lobe:
1. Empathize!
2. Remain calm. Interpret the child’s words as mental debris which really mean “My capacity for rational thought it rapidly diminishing.” Advise the child, “Let’s stay calm and find a solution.”
3. Generate win-win solutions: “You want A and your brother wants B; how can you both be happy?”
4. Think through outcomes: “What will happen if we try doing X?”
5. Think through with the child what to do when things do not go as planned.
6. Think big picture: “Isn’t ____ what really matters?”
7. Plan for delay: “What can we do while we wait?”
Dr. Greene explains that “Children do well if they can.” Eventually, the explosive child can learn to internalize these thinking patterns, and generate them even when parents are not present. With wise adult guidance, the explosive child can blossom into the dynamite person he was meant to become, and parents can blossom into the empathic nurturers all children need.
For additional writing from members and associates of the St. Gabriel Respect Life group, see below:
https://stgabrielcarlisle.squarespace.com/our-pro-life-views-1/